Welp, it's 2024 and I have not done much to this Blog or uploaded anything despite drawing and not drawing and whatever. I'm gonna go on a bit of a Rant and what not, words will be a bit RAW and messy so apologies if grammar and phrasing are all over the place. I'm just dumping nonsense here.
For starters, I've been feeling very down for a long while because I keep wanting to make stuff, big stuff, but I can't ever get myself to sit down and do them! I keep thinking the reasoning over and over: Is it something I really want to make? Will it be worth making? Would I enjoy the process if I'd need to repetitively do it over and over? My mind won't simply stop with the endless thinking no matter what I do.
I know 2000% that making and posting 1 thing isn't going to be "The Banger thing" or whatever people say these days. I just can't help but overthink on this crappy perfectionism mindset of wanting to show off something worthwhile. I keep thinking about ideas for animations or comics or skits or whatever in my mind, yet the moment I try to write them down, all those ideas just vanish out of no where, and no matter how much I try to remember or do other things to jog my memory it just won't come back! I really REALLY wanna make things, I wanna make money making things, and I wanna use that money to support more ways of making things, and so on.
Reason why I haven't gotten a Job in this boring world is because the average Jobs are Boring, Tedious, Unfulfilling. I want to work and make money on something I want to do! I have passions and desires yet for some mysterious stupid reason, I can't get myself to commit to anything I want to do, to finish things, to work on things, it's like it's more fun to Dream then to do and that sucks! I want to learn but learning is hard, not because of the difficulties of the subjects, but because my brain won't properly take in the information given, no matter how much or how hard I try to study and pay attention which is why school was difficult for me growing up. I've had a feeling something was odd with me when with certain subjects, I really REALLY did try my best, but my memories cannot take in the subject maters properly or when I had to read books yet I can't ever recount what I read as if I was reading Words but not taking in what the words meant.
Yet, I know I am Driven by Creativity; I wanted to make things, anything people can enjoy. I really like the idea of say; making levels or scenarios for people to take on and accomplish, making games or videos for people to enjoy, making art pieces I can show off and feel proud of. However, there's the usual thing that I'm sure you've heard of before: "It's not good enough". I keep thinking that whenever I do some ACTUAL projects and not build scenes in video games and have friends go through them.
I can spend literal days, building bases and carefully placing NPC's in Conan Exiles and have my friends just slaughter it all in just an hour. Build Towns and craft subtle narratives around vendors and their backstories. Create Quests that tends to have unique Gimmicks or a simple "Hoard Slaughter" styled Arena. I can spend days crafting and plotting the story of a Campaign and enjoy being a Spectator/GM of my own design. I've wanted to do this in Minecraft as there are more Mods and capabilities for making an Adventure Map, specifically I love the Custom NPC's mod and for years, I wanted to make a Modded Adventure Map for my friends to go through, laying everything out and improvise scenarios along their Campaign. I like to make things, and I suppose I enjoy being a GM in certain ways by making things FUN for people. Which is why I really want to be a Game Developer growing up.
Growing up, I wasn't really an Artist in any way, I drew little tiny bits but never dedicated to it. I tried Blender from time to time but always gave up not knowing how to manipulate the Cube or even move around the scenes. I got a cheap Drawing tablet in middle school but barely used it at all because my dumbass didn't like learning because of something like "I do it enough in school, I don't wanna learn at home" or some bs, now I am facing those exact consequences. I did do some Traditional drawing throughout High School whenever I'm bored or alone. It is after Graduating High school at around 2017 (god that feels both not too long ago and a long time ago) that I began to try to draw more often Digitally, issue, again, is that I couldn't grasp the idea of how "Learning" really works (for a lack of explanation).
Reasoning for getting into Art and Drawing was because I always had Ideas, Ideas I wanted to put out, but I never really thought that Art was much MUCH more difficult to grasp then initially though, somehow. With my attempts for years I quickly realized (holy crap this Sucks), but hey, that's the process, you learn as you go. But the issue with that is I don't want to wait and practice for years until I feel confident in reaching a point where my Art work is worth being noticed on. For example: Someone wants to get into animation, but then they have to learn how it all works, and learning takes time, time that is limited, time that cannot be undone, an idea I deeply fear and hate because I feel like I don't want to waste what I was slowly trying to learn up to for years now. I want to make things, I want to be good at making things and make money making things so I can keep making things. I don't want to waste all that time on doing idle work and not achieving my dreams, yet my brain has been wired in a way where it goes against it, and even taking ADHD meds can only go so far. It would rather spend all day playing games and mindlessly watch youtube rather then draw or work on things, no matter how much I Plead and Beg myself to JUST DO IT.
There's a difference between a Lazy person and a person with ADHD
A Lazy Person will happily be Lazy and do nothing because they enjoy not doing anything.
A person with ADHD will Stressfully be Lazy and WISH to do something, but feels Physically and Mentally unable to do things they WANT TO enjoy because their brain is wired to enjoy what a Lazy Person Enjoys. Eventually ending up with self hatred and regret because they wasted precious time on something their BRAIN ENJOYS, but not what THEY WANT TO ENJOY.
Having ADHD is like having a Logical and a Lazy person piloting the Body, only the Logical person is forced on the booster seat while the Lazy guy controls the main Ship! It has it's perks, but is it really worth it when it's negatives outweigh it's benefits? I have many MANY ideas for games and comics I want to make, but I can't ever put them out on paper or in a word doc for some reason. I've heard that it's because I would need to Re-Organize everything in my mind into being coherent, but it's like this ALL THE TIME. It's like I get bored thinking about this one world for weeks/months on end and jump to another that feels more interesting, but I do it way to often and leave all these ideas to dust and to be never be seen by anyone.
Maybe the reason why lately I haven't been too Active with my Projects or to Express my ideas out more is that I'm getting more and more Depressed and Stressed with how fast life has been going. Years and years are going by faster and faster and I can barely keep up, every day is the same routine yet the days and holidays are passing by, blending together. Every Christmas, I would hang around the Christmas tree at night, looking back on my life and thinking about my younger years and how simple it used to be. Come home, hop on VC, and play games with friends. I still do that Today technically but the group of friends have waned around throughout the years. It has been noticeable around my Birthdays with how lonelier every year it's been getting. I still enjoy and cherish the times I have with my friends and I don't ever want that feeling to go like it did many times in the past, but the one thing that I am always afraid of is the whole "Nothing lasts forever" thing.
Man, I just want to enjoy games with my Friends, all day every day, Nobody was put into this world just to feel miserable and bored all the time, that's no way to live, that's probably why finding a Job suited for current me is hard, I want a Job I can Enjoy and not a Job I feel stressed over, I was Born to Enjoy, not to Suffer.
Could probably write a whole aaa Biography that spans for several pages, I know it would be nothing but word vomit but hey, it gets my mind out for those that bothers to read, or TTS it all, heh.
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